the rest of the ladies still get together once a month but i've become old. no really...OLD! as soon as 7pm kicks, i'm exhausted and the thought of going out at 9pm to 12am is TORTURE. full on.
but the real reason for my nightly fatigue is because of
THIS. as soon as i wake up in the morning, the pain begins so by the time 7pm reaches, i. am. DONE. i hate that this part of my life has in some aspects completely taken over my life. before i went and did
THIS, i mentally needed to and have tried every other procedure that could possibly work. a morphine pump...didn't work...and a spinal chord stimulator...also didn't work...the morphine pump was just a minor procedure done in the doctors office, similar to getting an epidural but the spinal chord stimulator was a minor same day surgery which turned into a major 2 week on bed rest ordeal.
after 2 weeks of being stuck in bed, this is how i was feeling. ancient, insane, and near death...lol. can i say thank goodness that i had NETFLIX?! let's see. i re-watched "Angel", "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "Bones", ALL SEASONS, and connived trevor to finally start watching "Lost" with me at night. (i've watched it twice and he never bothered with it. we're just now beginning season 3 ;)) anyway, what they discovered is that because of how long it's been since my injury, 10 yrs, there was far too much scar tissue and damage to the nerves in the t12 area to just simply insert the stimulator into my spine, find the nerves that are receiving the pain signals from the brain, and then to block them. basically, they put me under, re-opened my scar from my initial surgery, put the device in, hooked it up to the nerve endings, woke me up, turned it on, told them if it's in the correct area, affecting the correct nerves, and then went back under while they made the adjustments and closed the incision. when they woke me up and turned it on, i instantly broke into full on tears because it hurt so bad and it was stimulating the nerves in my lower abs. i felt like someone was literally squeezing me to death and i couldn't breath. they hurried and put me back under and lowered the location of the implant. after they discharge you, they have you test the device in your back for a few days so they don't completely close up the incision. but because they had needed to make 2 incisions, there was now a greater open wound in my back, which then allowed a great drainage of spinal fluid ,and a daily trip to the ER for a dressing change. plus the headache and the pain in my abs was hellish. every time that i had to go to the bathroom, i cried because it hurt so bad. which is why they had me on bed rest which is why i had NOTHING planned as far as caring for my kids, getting them to and from school, meals, cleaning, laundry, and basically ANYTHING else that you can think of. as hopeful that i was that this act would buy me some time, i was more relieved that finally i knew what deep down in my gut i knew would be my next step...but i had to know, just in case with
THIS i fell into the 12% un-success rate. that way i wouldn't always have that wonder of "what if i had just tried this or this" or that sense of regret. so yes. as soon as the new year comes, the scheduling will begin for my new medical adventure up to CO. i've done the research, even more research, and i've spoken to more about the procedure who have done it themselves. one made a very good point. "the risks out way the decision to not try and the parts that you might lose. the pain was changing my way of life and i knew that i couldn't go on living like this." yes and yes. side note...it is so wonderful to talk to others who are going through or who have been through what i'm experiencing. they completely understand and they don't look at me like i'm crazy or that it's all in my head. no one understands chronic nerve pain unless you've lived it. and knowing that others "feel my pain", allows me to breath a sigh of relief. like i earlier said, i know that it's the much needed step in the right direction...
anyway, so back to my "once upon a time" craft nights, i miss them, the ladies of course, but the crafts too. (but at least i have my much loved PINTEREST...hehehe) i miss the laughs. i miss the conversations. i miss the FUN. but do i hope to make it back one day? yes...YES. I. DO! xx
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