Oh My Lanta......

while the kids are outside and actually staying outside and not fighting, i'll write some of what's been going through my mind lately...

for the past month, the nerve pain in my lower back and legs has been so bad beyond bad. i can't even explain or express to you how bad the pain can be. it has got to the point, that it actually affects what activities i do, or don't do. it makes me miserable and on edge a lot of the time and has created an alter ego of someone i'm not. i hate it! HATE IT!

the worst part is that there is no reason for the pain to have increased and the only thing that they prescribe are pain meds which don't even take away the nerve pain! it just makes you live in an unrealistic world. i try so hard to be positive but sometimes i've just had it and am done.

i know someone who told me that the greatest day of his life was the day that he had the surgery done in which they completely sever your spinal cord. that way the "messed up" signals are not able to get through and create the "phantom" pain. i mean it does make sense. why should i not be able to have motion but have enough sensation that causes pain? i am seriously thinking about doing this. i can't imagine living with this pain for however many more years and i'm not going to pretend that i am invincible. i am human and i have to live a life that will produce the best results.

when i talked to trevor about this and needed some advice, he worried that it might make me feel like i've given up hope of ever walking again. good point but no, not at all but until then, if when, i have to live a happy life. and not saying that i am a depresso all of the time or anything but i can't let something that can be fixed, control my life. and i will admit that i know that my life could be much, much worse. i know....

not too mention that today my head is killing me from all of the questions, cartoons, arguments, crying, and everything else that comes with being a sick mom! wow! it's been a doozy of a monday...can you tell???

anyway, i never said that this blog wouldn't be a downer soooo. and i have to write both the good and the bad or it wouldn't be real, right? but thanks. thanks for letting me vent a bit!

xoxo