(i wish i knew the cure for weariness!!??!!)

hmmm. insomnia sucks. and maybe insomnia is not the proper word for my problem. more like "insomnipain". maybe. but either way, it is utter hell. and i'm exhausted and have been all day. i woke up with a stress headache and i've had it now for almost 24hrs. booooo. this is when this seems like heaven sent.

i talked to a few others about my "decision" and they all told me to not give up. let's just say "easier said or judged then done". i am serious. the one point that i'm very adamant about is that it's going to be a very slow process. i mean, it's not like i'm going to wake up in the hospital, chill for a few weeks, and get discharged just in time to hit up a local 5k. i'd walk, struggle, limping along with a cane, and then have the greatest epiphany of life.

ding.

"hey? life was alot easier when i used my chair. better yet it was good. my life was just fine. in fact, life was great! why did i even think that i "needed to walk" to make life complete?"

yeah. i know i would so do that because that's exactly what i did once i learned how to walk with my leg braces. it is like the woman who thinks that having her breasts done or her tummy tucked will make her insecurities vanish or the problems go away. nope. the "issues" are still there whether they're positive or negative. you MUST feel "complete" when making ANY big decision. anyway. just a thought while in my "insomnipain" moments.....

can i tell you how jealous that i am of my kids right now?! all cuddled and comfy while dead asleep in their beds. i've often thought of the days when like them i could feel the comforts of bed. especially during nights like tonight when it's pouring rain outside. grabbing my favorite book, putting on my slippers and jammies, getting all cozy in bed while listening to the rain. one memory comes to mind of my house on middlesmoor in toronto. the loud snapping of rain as it falls from the sky to the roof and to the concrete below. ahhhhhh.

but i am rambling i know. i can't help it. what else is there to do at 2am??? sleep? what? wait? what is sleep? i wouldn't know!? ;)