The Understanding...

remember this?

they recorded it and showed it to carter's class at school. he was very excited to tell me about it when he came home that day. but it was when he asked the question, that my heart broke....

"mom. am i a special needs child? why am i? why did it say that?"

carter IS NOT absolutely clueless but i never know what he gets and what he doesn't. obviously this one he does.

i just smiled, gave him a hug, and told him that i loved him.

"carter. we ALL have special needs. mom has a special need. i need a wheelchair. kindra needs glasses. you need help with your math and reading, right? and there are some things that you need EXTRA help with. more than other kids that are your age. BUT that is not a negative thing. you are also the best helper with organizing and with yard work! does that make sense? we ALL have our special things, ok bubby?"

he seemed to understand and that was that. but yes. i stressed about it. did i answer it correctly? i hope so. i wasn't about to lie to him or sugarcoat it. i think that he needs to know how it is. but i will say again that it broke my heart. for a long time i have told myself that "he doesn't get it" or that when kids are mean to him, he doesn't "understand" that they are. WRONG. he does and that is the worst feeling. knowing that i can't protect him from that hurt. you can guarantee though, that i WILL teach them to be kind, understanding, and that everyone is different aaand that different is ok....

then the other morning as we were doing, (or fighting about...lol) kindra's hair she told me that she wanted to talk about something.

"mom. my glasses make my face look different. see? off. on. off. on."

of course i then asked her which one she preferred.

"i think my face is more beautiful without the glasses, mom."

and what do i say to that when i KNOW that she is as blind as a bat without her glasses? great. now my daughter, who is 8, is going to have a dang complex because of a pair of glasses.

"KINDRA! are you serious? NO. you are gorgeous WITH AND WITHOUT them! right now you know that you NEED to wear them. they help you to see better and you KNOW that. buuuut when you are old enough to manage them, you can choose to get contacts like your dad has. it will be just like getting your ears pierced. when YOU choose to get them and when WE know that you can take care of them properly. deal? muah kin. aaaaand if there is someone giving you a hard time about your glasses, IGNORE them. please? when i was your age, a boy told me that i had ugly elbows. he was a boy that was a year older, mike chivers, who had a crush on me but we were just friends. he teased me about my elbows so bad that i was paranoid about them up into high school, always wearing shirts that were long enough to cover them. how lame is that? NOTHING was wrong with them! i'd GIVE ANYTHING to have those skinny, boney elbows back now. (here is the irony to this story....this boy found me on FB and remembered his teasing, actually explained that his pride had been hurt with my denial, and found the first thing that popped in his head to tease me about so that he would feel better. and he remembered all of this like it had been yesterday. we NEVER understand how damaging and long term that "bullying and teasing" can be)

again, the conversation ended but it did cause major panic. how do we teach kids the lessons we've learned or the reasons why things end up the way they do? how do we emphasize hard enough that WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT so that they don't have to go through the pain?

we won't. we don't. we can't. our experiences are ours. they will have to endure their own to fully understand...but we can try as hard as hell, right?

exactly...
xxx