It Was Inevitable...

for 11 yrs, i have been waiting for an event to happen. well today it finally did. and it brought me both relief, joy, pain, and wonder. wonder meaning the "what if" or sadly put, the "regret".

regret sucks. there's no doubt about it. and even though i know there's no going back, that time travel machine is going to come about. i just know it.

i'm not even saying that i'd go back and do things different and i know that hind site is 20/20 but i do wish that i could go back and have handled things different. or communicated different. or have acted different. or had mostly given an "i'm sorry".

i am afraid that now it's too late. i waited too long for this event to happen. i didn't quite know how to handle it. i knew that one day i would see them though i've made sure to hide in those random locations where you see the person you least expect or want to. let me rephrase that. i'd want to see them but i knew that it would be very awkward.

mostly it makes me sad that someone who was such a huge part of my youth is no longer even an acquaintance. i can only assume that the acknowledgment did not even occur because of how much pain or loathing there is. that is what breaks my heart especially when it comes to this person. plus i hate when there is "long term conflict". i want things settled and over. but i get it. i can't always "make" that happen even when i want it to.

and yes. selfishly i feel "jipped"! i made some decisions based on the most information that i had, come to find out that most of which was untrue. (note to self...communicate. don't be quick to assume. let go of the pride. leave it all "out on the table")

blah. i know. it's a venting post but i needed to write this down so that i could get it out of my head. i also made a new goal. my laptop is on my standing frame so that i am more committed to standing. the battery has been dead so my blog has been somewhat neglected. but mostly because i have an 8yr old "infant" by my side. she's been awesome and we've had so much fun but life has been very different. no more coming and going as i please. but like i said, it's been fun and it's been a huge learning experience.

ok. i am emotionally exhausted and need sleep. but i can't end without saying how great it was this morning to see, hug, kiss, chat again, and say goodbye to some of the most influential people that helped form who i am. that made my morning to know that they still love me and understand me. going down memory lane was fun too. i was surprised at all of the random memories that flashed into my head. things that i had forgotten and hidden in my mind. i had a good time telling kindra some of my "stories" and showing her where i once spent so much time. see? the morning was a mixture of many emotions....

and what am i getting at by talking about "this event"? don't wait until it's too late to give an "i'm sorry" or to say something that is needed. don't take your loved ones for granted. you never know what the future holds and you never know when the opportunity will be gone. that way you'll never have the "what if's" or the "regret" because you'll know that you did all that YOU possibly could.

but if and when you do have the "what if's" or the "regret"? learn. all you can do is LEARN and move on.

xxxx