Both The Worst and The Best...

3:15...showed up to wait in line outside of kindra's school to pick her up like i do EVERY day

3:40...noticed the clock and wondered where she possibly could be

3:45...as i patiently wait, i passed the time chatting with a friend who offered to walk in and find her

3:50...in the rear view mirror, i notice my friend walking along side kindra's 3rd grade teacher

3:55...i begin to panic and especially when i hear kindra's name being called over the school intercom system requesting her to come to the office. i begin frantically calling neighbors praying that maybe she had chosen to walk home with one of their kids. one informs me that they saw her walking home with a boy in her class towards the gated community that is directly behind our house. it's all beginning to make sense. (days earlier kindra had told me that this same boy had told her that they had made this cool halloween club house and wanted her to come and see it. i explained that i highly doubted its existence since we would have heard its making....)

4:00...i drive like a mad man towards the "fort" and when she was NOT there, i went straight home and YES! I WAS FREAKING OUT THINKING OF ALL OF THE THINGS THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE HAPPENING! (did it help that literally 2hrs earlier while being bored out of my mind, i turned on the tv and the show that was on was "the maury show". they were discussing "the american sex trafficking rings" that are going on in our country. i was blown away and had the distinct impression recognizing just how lucky we really have it and how much worse and horrific it could be. call it a bubble but yes. i admit it. i live in one...)

4:05...i swing open the door calling her name and there she is! she's crying, i'm crying, i begin drilling her about where she had been...where had she gone...who had she been with...and why did she not tell me...ask me??? basically i was a wreck because this was so unlike my daughter and i wanted to make sure that i handled it the right way.
if only she had not just asked. if only the halloween obsession that i had instilled into her had not driven her intrigue. if only she hadn't been so trusting. if only..if only. what if...what if. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!?
let's just say that i gave her the biggest hug that i possibly could and i reinforced just how much i love her. just how scared that this tiny 35 minute ordeal had made me feel. and then i made her afternoon and evening one that she'd never forget, grounding her to the ever so boring couch with NOTHING to do. it was torture for her and torture for me to have to enforce this punishment. i just hate when i have to be the "mean" parent but in times like this, it's a must.

that evening we had "the parental talk" and made sure that she understood what our thoughts and feelings actually were and why they were that way. we made sure that she understood what she had done wrong. we made sure that she understands the concept of choice and consequence and the ability to recognize the feeling that comes when you make the right one versus the wrong one. being able to stick up for what she knows to be correct and to NEVER GIVE IN to peer pressure. (this boy informed her that she'd probably get grounded but quickly ungrounded when she began to get nervous and wanted to go back to find me) for the record, the cool halloween club house was a fake, a lie. really?! totally saw that one coming!

why did this statement of his cause me to panic that much more? it took me back to a time during my freshman year. i was new to the school, with a desire to be part of the "popular" kids (why? i don't even know but that's another "issue" for another post...lol) and the idea of going to a high school party was discussed. growing up lds and in a city (toronto) that was very accepting, when i stood up for what i believed in, it was accepted and dropped. it did not determine who my friends were or were not. but when i expressed the desire to not "party or drink", i was mocked and told "so? we're lds too and you can totally get away with it. all you have to do is go and confess and then it's over." and what did i do? like a curious fool, i tried out their theory and when it worked, the "party kt" was born. it took me down a path that constantly caused me an inner battle. continue this lifestyle or live as i deep down in my core knew to be what i wanted? (and let me reinforce that this could happen with ANY belief system. not just the lds faith. whenever one is pressured to do something that does not follow what they stand for.)

point is that i know she's only 8 but i also know that this is when the actions of oneself are created. the choices and habits are forming now. slowly they are forming and creating who they'll become. you've got to nip it in the bud now before it's too late. and the thought of my daughter experiencing some of the pain that i did, kills me. i'll never give up on my belief that most times "ignorance is bliss".

anyway, this was both the worst and the best day and thankfully its ending was exactly perfect but i did learn alot both about myself and about the mom/daughter relationship that we have. it's time to possibly cut the umbilical chord and to let go of some control but i'm scared. scared to in so many ways. but i'll get there. i know that i will but for now it'll be one day at a time!

ps...isn't my kin just absolutely gorgeous because i think, i know, that she is :)

xxx