The Tender Mercy Of Listening...

what sent me here? unfortunately THIS and then THIS. but all that matters is that i was finally able to get in for a proper evaluation. i was finally able to get some real direction and answers, finally knowing if i'm a candidate that would have the greatest success with this surgery. it would involve removing my rods and then burning the sensory pain nerves, simply put, to eliminate the pain.
the easiest packing job ever! ONLY work out and gym clothes....
my 3 day secluded apartment set up...

...and some very needed movie catch ups! :)
so why did it take me 4 months to get the surgery scheduled? well for one, there could be unforeseen complications. second, my recovery time would be between 14-21 days if all goes well. being away from my family, going thru this without them seems unbearable. third, when i met with the neurosurgeon, he made sure to emphasize that i should take some time with this decision. that it's one those take when they can not endure life this way any longer. so i wanted to do exactly that and i've realized that i'm at that point. there are times when i don't even recognize the person that i've become. i've become impatient, easily irritable, and at times i've mentally just given up. that is not me. not one bit. but ultimately the thing holding me back the most is because of something that i was given immediately after my injury 9 yrs ago.

because of the head trauma that i had sustained, my family was told that i would need 24 hour care and that both mentally and physically, i would not be the same. they knew and know that the lord has a hand in all aspects of life and that if this was his will, that they could accept it. in a priesthood prayer, i was told that i would "be both mentally and physically healed." it was like a light switch had been turned on! i began to mentally "come back" and heal from the injuries that i had sustained. i saw and recognized the miracles that were happening and patiently waited "to be fully healed" aka to walk. i didn't know when this promise would be fulfilled but i had complete faith that it would. when the lord gives a promise, in one way or another, this promise comes to pass, and some times in ways that we don't even expect with our mortal perspective. then we lived through another medical miracle and felt that it would soon be my turn.

when reading one evening from the "book of mormon", the book of enos became a great comfort. the following chapters were an answer to a prayer, allowing me the comfort to hold strong...

4 And my soul ^ahungered; and I ^bkneeled down before my Maker, and I ^ccried unto him in mighty ^dprayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.

5 And there came a ^avoice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are ^bforgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed.

it goes on to say...

7 And I said: Lord, how is it done?

8 And he said unto me: ^aBecause of thy ^bfaith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee ^cwhole.

flash forward 9+ yrs. am i human? yes. have i been extremely confused about the promise that i was given? yes. do i wonder why it's not happened yet? yes...yes...yes. do i wonder if i'm not doing all that i can and if so, what more can i do or endure? yes. have i felt moments of betrayal? yes. don't judge. i'm just being honest. but the most important question is, have i ever doubted the abilities of the lord? doubted that if it is his will, in one way or another, it will happen? doubted that the lord knows the bigger picture? that he knows "my life" better than anyone? no...no...no.

i began to wonder what exactly is faith? i thought i knew but do i? do i really understand all that it means?

"shall he find faith on the earth"

"the miracle of faith"

"faith--the choice is yours"

"thy faith hath made thee whole"

point is, i began to think, to worry, that if i went through with this surgery, would it look like to the lord that i had given up, that i had lost faith in his promise, that i had lost my testimony of the power of the priesthood, fasting, and prayer? yes. how could i move forward? how could i wonder every day for the rest of my life, what would have happened if i had just held on, endured the pain, continually waiting for this promise. and maybe my interpretation of the word "soon" was wrong. maybe my interpretation of this promise and when it would happen was wrong. maybe it wouldn't even be fulfilled while in this life. point is, it's all faith but at what cost?

can you see why i've been so confused and in a constant internal struggle? that was until the other night.

it was our monthly craft night and i felt prompted to talk with those whose opinions matter the most. the advice that was given was the answer to many prayers and hours of heart felt pondering.

"you've not lost your faith. you know that at any time, your promise could come to pass. but you're living in constant pain and your quality of life is declining. your mentally and physically exhausted. the lord knows that and he knows the intent of your heart. by going through with this, you're only trying to be a better parent and a wife. you're only trying to be happy which is what the lord wants the most for us. happiness, family, and trying to do all that we can is our purpose. don't forget that. he will not punish you for this desire. he will not give up on you. he will not doubt your faith. and when the time comes, whenever that is, it will happen. the lord can do, however, whenever. just because you're doing what you need to do to live in peace in the mean time, he will not write you off. don't ever forget the love that he has for you and in his knowledge that you are trying and trying is all that he asks. does that help you at all?"

more than you'll ever know. and so, the next day, the phone call to move forward was made. promptings and answers. you never know when they're going to come and from whom. make sure you're listening because they'll come. don't lose the faith...any of it ;)