Yes. She Is Definately My Daughter...

Her drawing skills prove it. She's mine. This is a horse? Yep. Classic Kindra! I love her so much and it's impossible to describe just how much...

My heart broke today and I had a mini panic attack when I picked her up from school today. She walked right to the car. No playing. She jumped in and I asked her why she was not playing? She broke into tears.

"I can't play today. Christy said she is playing with Casin and that I can't play today. She can be so rude and mean sometimes!"

The fire in me erupted. No one treats my child like that but of course I know that this issue just comes with having kids.

"Did you just tell her whatever and play with some of your other friends?"

"Yes. I played freeze tag with Bobby and Asher and Bridger."

"Did you have so much fun?"

"Well yes but it still made me sad."

"I know but who cares. Just because she's mean about playing doesn't mean that she doesn't like you and tomorrow will be a whole new day. Just go and have fun with the boys or with some of your other friends. You know you're beautiful right and that it doesn't change how much fun you are, right?"

"Yes."

That was it. We pulled into the garage and off to the sandbox she went.

It just makes me so sad. I never want my kids to hurt or to feel bad. I want them to have kind and good friends but like I said. I know that this is just normal but that does not mean that it's fun or easy.


PS...Poo to you, Christy!

:)

Spring Break...Salt Lake City...2009

If your kids are anything like mine, they can get easily bored with the same old parks that we are ALWAYS going to. Last year I saw some photos over at Through The Looking Glass of a park that I knew that my kids would love. Even though it took us a year to make it up there, we did and they had a blast!

We invited my nephew Colin to come along...

The park adventure was Monday. By Tuesday I had resorted to teaching and coaxing the kids into making pillow forts because...

...this is what we woke up to. I had a melt down! Nice cold and miserable Spring Break!?!

The pillow fort idea didn't last too long. It was impossible to keep them in and I know. The pillow fort idea is immature and boring compared to playing in the snow...???

The kids were so excited to have a snow ball fight and to throw snowballs at the car! Go figure. The things that kids get a kick out of! :)

I could not wait for Thursday to come. I was getting together with some old friends and they all have kids the same age so we decided to go to Classic Skating up in SLC. They had so much fun...

...and so did I!

Thank goodness that Friday was sunny so that the kids could talk Trevor into raising up their tire swing!

The week went by way too fast and I felt bad that we didn't get to do all of the things that I had planned because of the weather. Oh well. What do ya do?!? The countdown to "no school" begins!.....

The Summer of 1992

When my family moved back to Utah, it was June of 1991 and I was 14. Our home in Highland was not ready for us to move in to yet, so we rented a home in Lehi. I met some fun girls who were older than me and who were in High School. They talked me into trying out for the Lehi Soccer Team. It worked. I tried out and made the Varsity team. This changed everything since the plan was for me to go to American Fork Junior High. That was before Lone Peak HS was around so those who lived in Alpine/Highland could choose between the two schools.

The only thing that made it hard was that all of the girls that lived in my neighborhood, all went to a different school so attending church, with complete strangers who already had their "group", was not too fun! All year from my parents I heard the line "You don't attend a church because of the people in the church. You attend it because you believe in it's gospel."

The summer of 1992 would change everything...EVERYTHING. It is still one of my top 3. That year I knew that I might have to change schools because at AFHS they had an AP French class and at LHS they did not. It would be completely stupid of me to not take advantage of that college credit.

Knowing this, I knew that I'd have to branch out a bit. I decided to go to a Youth Conference with the kids in my neighborhood...plus I had a secret crush on a boy that was 2 yrs older than me who was going.

That was it. That's all I needed to do. That began the Summer of 1992 which created friendships with people who I will always be BFF's with. That was the summer of "sog-balling", sneaking out, hanging out at "Maxi-Mart", running from the cops through the Bull River forest, adding the word "stiiiench" at the end of every word, continuous laughter, and remembering my love of the old school Michael Jackson :) compliments of Jay....
Katie, Karin, Brooke, and Angie
It is awesome when we can all get together! We just gossip, remember, and laugh! The best thing about these girls is that I know that they will always be there for me. We've all gone down different roads. We all have different types of lives. We all have different trials. But we all have the same great memories that no one can EVER take away! I love them and I will always be there for them. I KNOW that they feel the same way and that I can always depend on them for anything. I don't have to lie about or hide who I am. They just get and understand me and that's what means the most!

Love you girls...BFF's ALWAYS!!!

I Wish I Knew...

I can only imagine. I can only guess. I wish I could read their thoughts...both my son and those strangers that we come in contact with. It's probably sounds like "Oh, I feel so bad for that poor woman" or "Why can't they get control of their son" or it could even be "They need some parenting lessons". Seriously.

It sucks. It is so hard. I'm not going to lie. What makes it even worse is that people just don't understand or they don't even get what's really going on. I wish I could explain it to them or plead my case. I've said it before that I wish we could wear a chalkboard around our necks which would allow us to "tell our story" with a brief explanation. Again, seriously.

It's not ALWAYS this way but it's been one of those days...those weeks. We've been trying some new things to see if we can get it as good as we can and that always puts a kink in system. Booooo!

At first glance, Carter does not look like a child who has "special needs" but as soon as you're with him for awhile or as soon as you hear and listen to his continual questions, you can see it. A child with "special needs" is his diagnosis. Yeah. What is that exactly? I am still trying to figure that out. Why can't it be more specific? Why can't it be easier to fix or to medicate? I just want them to tell me what's broke, how to fix it, and then I will but they can't. It is too case sensitive but that does not do me any good.

What I am about to say may offend some. It may make you think that I am a horrible mother but whatever. I've got another child who I raise the exact same way and she seems to be turning out just fine. Ok. Here it goes. I've even had the thought that if Carter mentally has "these" problems, then why can't he "fit the look"? Then all of those people who give us an eyeing look would understand...but I guess you can't have 2 people in wheelchairs who are in the same family?!?

I took the kids to the matinee today and yes. That is 3 movies in 3 days. Anyway, we went to the matinee and Kindra quietly sat at my side, intently watching, the entire time. Carter? Not so much. He spent the entire time talking, laying across the chairs, and going down to the front section to put up the arm rests and then went back and put the arm rests down. He was a total nightmare!

Like I said earlier, he is not ALWAYS like this. When he is himself he is so sweet, sensitive, helpful, cleans up, colors, practices his writing, does his homework without being asked,...he is wonderful but when he is bad...he is a TERROR! There is no happy medium. Not even a little bit.

I love him. A million times I love him but he is hard. Harder than harder than hard. I don't understand it. I never will. I wish that I could see the bigger picture. I wish that I could see how it's all going to turn out. I'm just so worried. I know how cruel that this world can be. It breaks my heart and I wish that I could always protect him but I know that's not how it's going to be.

I was talking to my friend Karin whose daughter has hearing disabilities. The stories that she was telling me made me want to vomit. I told her my frustrations, I asked her for some advice, and I told her how protective/sensitive/anxious that I was with the whole situation. In a caring way she actually got a little upset with me because though I am trying to protect him, I'm not. I need to be doing all that I can to prepare him for life. To prepare him for the time when he's not constantly by my side or with another mature and responsible adult (I know...this is not always me but you know what I mean).

You would think that I would just get this concept. I am a huge advocate for those of us who need the help of a wheelchair so you would think that I would understand just how important it is when it comes to educating about disabilities. I am...but not when it comes to my son because I'm still his parent and I'm still trying to protect him. I don't know what's best because I can't read his mind. How do I and when do I explain his behavior? "Meet my son. He has special needs. He'll do this, this, this and maybe this. Can you please explain this to your child?" Honestly? I know first hand how cruel this world can be and I can't see into the future to know how this story turns out. Grrrrrrr!!! It is so confusing....

"I just don't understand why."

"It's not your job to understand why. It's just your job to do."

Now I'm Asking The Question...

I'm stealing this post idea from over here. She asked the question "What's on your iPod" which got me thinking. Once again I came to the conclusion that my music selection is so random, just like me. I love, love, love music. All types from classical to rap. I lied. The only music that I do not like and the I will not listen to is county. Everything else? Yes.
So...I'll ask the question. What's on your iPod? Here are some of mine....

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service
A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos
The Cowboy Album by Erasure
Anything by Beyonce
Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve
Speeding Cars by Immogen Heap
Anything by Keane and The Postal Service
A few by Lady Gaga, Backstreet Boys, & Death Cab For Cutie
Breath Me by Sia
Right Round by Flo Rida
Hands by Ms John Soda
Anything that is Beethoven, Mozart & The Four Seasons piece
The Immortal Beloved Soundtrack
The Italian Job Soundtrack
Tear Drop by Massive Attack
Read My Mind by The Killers
Anything by Frou Frou, Dido, & Gwen
Anything by Justin Timberlake & Chris Brown
A few by Britney Spears, T.I., Kenye West, & Neyo
Throw in some old school Jay Z & Dr Dre
I Feel It All and 1234 by Feist

See. Random. It doesn't allow my mind to get bored which keeps me right on track. Plus a little variety never hurts anyone!
hehehe
:)

You HAVE To Go See This Movie!!!

I'm sure it's no surprise that we planned another midnight movie to go out and see the new "X-Men"! Ofcourse we had alot of fun! It was full of awesome action scenes. It was funny. Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds were as hot as ever. It was a great movie! There are a few things with the plot that don't match up to the original first "X-Men" movie but who cares when it's that good. :)

So it is impossible to ever have one of our activities not full of some sort of drama. With about 10 minutes left and right in the middle of the most important scene, the movie reel started on fire! Literally started on fire! There was complete panic and a total freak out by everyone...including me! How and why do these things happen to us!!!

20 minutes later they had it fixed and had handed out some free movie cards so it all worked out but it's still so funny that it happened to the one theatre that we were in!

But seriously...GO SEE THIS MOVIE! You'll so enjoy it!