I can only imagine. I can only guess. I wish I could read their thoughts...both my son and those strangers that we come in contact with. It's probably sounds like "Oh, I feel so bad for that poor woman" or "Why can't they get control of their son" or it could even be "They need some parenting lessons". Seriously.It sucks. It is so hard. I'm not going to lie. What makes it even worse is that people just don't understand or they don't even get what's really going on. I wish I could explain it to them or plead my case. I've said it before that I wish we could wear a chalkboard around our necks which would allow us to "tell our story" with a brief explanation. Again, seriously.
It's not ALWAYS this way but it's been one of those days...those weeks. We've been trying some new things to see if we can get it as good as we can and that always puts a kink in system. Booooo!
At first glance, Carter does not look like a child who has "special needs" but as soon as you're with him for awhile or as soon as you hear and listen to his continual questions, you can see it. A child with "special needs" is his diagnosis. Yeah. What is that exactly? I am still trying to figure that out. Why can't it be more specific? Why can't it be easier to fix or to medicate? I just want them to tell me what's broke, how to fix it, and then I will but they can't. It is too case sensitive but that does not do me any good.
What I am about to say may offend some. It may make you think that I am a horrible mother but whatever. I've got another child who I raise the exact same way and she seems to be turning out just fine. Ok. Here it goes. I've even had the thought that if Carter mentally has "these" problems, then why can't he "fit the look"? Then all of those people who give us an eyeing look would understand...but I guess you can't have 2 people in wheelchairs who are in the same family?!?
I took the kids to the matinee today and yes. That is 3 movies in 3 days. Anyway, we went to the matinee and Kindra quietly sat at my side, intently watching, the entire time. Carter? Not so much. He spent the entire time talking, laying across the chairs, and going down to the front section to put up the arm rests and then went back and put the arm rests down. He was a total nightmare!
Like I said earlier, he is not ALWAYS like this. When he is himself he is so sweet, sensitive, helpful, cleans up, colors, practices his writing, does his homework without being asked,...he is wonderful but when he is bad...he is a TERROR! There is no happy medium. Not even a little bit.
I love him. A million times I love him but he is hard. Harder than harder than hard. I don't understand it. I never will. I wish that I could see the bigger picture. I wish that I could see how it's all going to turn out. I'm just so worried. I know how cruel that this world can be. It breaks my heart and I wish that I could always protect him but I know that's not how it's going to be.
I was talking to my friend Karin whose daughter has hearing disabilities. The stories that she was telling me made me want to vomit. I told her my frustrations, I asked her for some advice, and I told her how protective/sensitive/anxious that I was with the whole situation. In a caring way she actually got a little upset with me because though I am trying to protect him, I'm not. I need to be doing all that I can to prepare him for life. To prepare him for the time when he's not constantly by my side or with another mature and responsible adult (I know...this is not always me but you know what I mean).
You would think that I would just get this concept. I am a huge advocate for those of us who need the help of a wheelchair so you would think that I would understand just how important it is when it comes to educating about disabilities. I am...but not when it comes to my son because I'm still his parent and I'm still trying to protect him. I don't know what's best because I can't read his mind. How do I and when do I explain his behavior? "Meet my son. He has special needs. He'll do this, this, this and maybe this. Can you please explain this to your child?" Honestly? I know first hand how cruel this world can be and I can't see into the future to know how this story turns out. Grrrrrrr!!! It is so confusing....
"I just don't understand why."
"It's not your job to understand why. It's just your job to do."
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6 comments:
Oh KT- you dont need to feel bad or guilty for having those thoughts... anyone of us would. Carter is such a great kid and he is so lucky to have you as his mom b/c you care so deeply and only want to do what's best for him. You really are so patient and the best mom. Just hang in there and know you are doing a great job.
We are pretty much in the same boat here... What IS the problem??? The question that never gets answered... So frustrating.
You know you can always talk to me about this.
No matter what. He was born to you for reasons. Let me think... Oh! His mom is kick ass and doesn't take bull from anyone. She has this amazing will power. Will always get her way. She fights for what is right and most importantly she loves her son! See!!! You're the perfect Mommy for Carter. The world can just eat it! Grrrr! I love you so very much.
I understand how you are feeling. Our boys look perfectly normal, so we constantly find ourselves defending them. All we can do is love them. He is lucky to have you as his mommy.
Hi Katie, I completely understand your frustrations. Because I am a teacher, I see a lot of "special needs" kids who don't look the part, if you know what I mean. I am thankful for inclusion, meaning classrooms that include special needs children, because it gives other children an opportunity to see that we are not all created the same. I currently have a deaf child in my room all day. While his cochlear implant does help him hear better, he is still different from the others, but is liked just the same, sometimes even more, because the other kids love to help him out with things that don't come so easily for him! I know you feel the need to explain Carter's differences, but just know that there are some people out there who understand differences when they see them, and they don't judge. For those who can't look past the "Wow! She needs parenting classes!" theory, just pray that they will someday learn and understand. I don't personally know you, but from everything I see and hear, you are an awesome mom! I've seen a lot of moms, and you are ranked among the best! Hope this helped! :)
Oh, honey; I feel for you. I feel for us all - the mothers. It is so hard to see your kids, warts and all, but still love them desperately and want the best for them, want to protect them from the world, want to ensure their safety and happiness.
You are a wonderful mother and that you ache for your son further proves it.
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