Chillin In The Grey Area...

hmmm. where to begin. this post may seem to be or really will be complicated but it needs to get put out there. it is what it is.
my "once upon a time" has been given a kink and i don't like that. i never have. never. i don't take direction well when it's not "my way" or when someone tells me that what i am doing is "wrong" when internally i don't feel that it is. i like to be in charge of my own destiny, especially when i see it working out on course.
trevor and i have alot of history. we've been together on and off and married for 12 yrs and we have 2 children out of this relationship. i have never been happier nor have felt the peace that i finally do. i've been searching for this and hoping that the constant not knowing where i was going would soon end. and it did. that is why we both threw out the pride, gained some humility, and realized, admitted that we were it and that we would be lost without the other one. i can honestly say that. are there "deals"? yes. but look who the poor man has to put up with. exactly. i admit i have my faults but don't judge.
being a member of the lds faith, "living in sin" is not the norm. you just don't do it. instead you get married. but right now we're living together but not "in sin". i don't need to explain that any further and it's between us and only us. we know that what we are doing is best for our family and that is what is the most important. our eternal family however it is that we get there.
the reason we separated in the first place was because of my lack of patience and because i expected trevor to have had the same spiritual experiences that i did. he did not. back then i jumped giant steps and trevor works in baby steps and finally for once i am letting him take the reigns and determining at what pace we will move. he never would sign the divorce papers because he knew that i would figure out my confusion but i didn't. i just got more confused with selfishness and fell for a lie hence the divorce. anyway, i know we'll get there but for once i'm not being the control freak and i'm allowing him to learn along the way. he does not do well with pressure and wants to be confident in his ability to make correct choices for our family. still following?
one of the things that is most important to him is to be able to baptize our kids into our lds faith. they get baptized when they turn the age of 8. he prepared himself and was worthy to do this with carter and now that it's kindra's turn, he is worthy and planning to do the same. there are certain things you must do and or that you must refrain from doing until you are married. even though we are "living in sin" we are not doing anything to jeopardize this. (and yes. it. is. hard. but. i. could. look. god. in. the. eyes. and. feel. at. peace.)
anyway, long story short, we went in last sunday to plan out the date of when this could happen. we have been honest from the start about our reasons for living together. financially it makes sense. romantically it makes sense. family unity it makes sense. bla bla bla but bottom line is that it's the appearance of what we are doing that the church does not agree with. i get it. if they bend the rules for us, then they'd have to bend the rules for the next person. but whatever. it's not that black and white with us. we're in the grey area and we couldn't be happier.
let it be known that in no way am i bashing the lds faith. i'm not. it is what it is. it was a choice and one that we made. the "consequence" is that in order for trevor to baptize kindra, he must move out. yeah. there's my kink. it makes it so hard that when i know we are "ok" to feel like we're "evil" when we're not. again, i know that's not what's being said but here comes the pressure or the forcing. either move out or get married. bla bla bla. again, i get it. this was inevitable. i like to follow the rules yet also determine and explain my own reasons but this one is not happening. so we've got some big choices ahead.
like i said, don't judge. we're adults who know what's up. it's not so black and white with us. sorry but it's not. we've been on both ends of the spectrum. we're chillin in the grey and we are great. loving our routines and growing stronger as a family. family. yep. that's the most important thing. my family and it's strength. and i'm sorry. i'm learning patience and i'm allowing trevor to know for himself that he's the man in this family and that he's allowed to move in baby steps if that's what gets him there in the end. it's my turn to be pampered and to let him be the man of the house. then we'll both know that we are there because of our own free will and choice. and selfish me. i want my damn romantic proposal.
(when we got engaged, he had this plan all mapped out and i wanted to throw him a curve ball so while we were up in jackson hole, i totally bribed this waitress to put a ring i had bought him in his drink and bla bla bla had written will you marry me on a napkin. it was perfect and he cried like a baby and it was the best story ever buuuuuuut for hell sakes, it's my turn!!!)
can you tell that i'm serious about this selfish proposal thing or what?!? well yes. yes i am.
all i know is that i will not give in to any type of pressure to get married, even if we KNOW that's what we're already doing. growing up, if i was on my way to clean my room and my mom said hey, go clean your room, i wouldn't. immature and ridiculous i know but that's how my personality is. i need to determine my own course at times. all i know is that life is good right now and that our family is happy and i don't want to mess that up. all i know is that i am where i should be and with who that should be with. a signature married us. a signature divorced us. and a signature is not going to make or take or remake this unity any more concrete.
and no i am not condoning anything. when my kids get to a certain age, i know that i will have to explain it to them and that they will understand why it is that we did things the way we did. i'm ok with that. i've also heard this to also be the neighborhood gossip too so i am just putting it all out there to end the drama, end the untrue rumors, and to tell them to worry about their own lives.
the thought of him not laying here, snoring here beside me, makes me sick to my stomach. what we have is great and those closest to us have also seen that and have accepted it because they see our happiness and especially see how great our kids have grown from our unity.
ok. i'll stop but just know that right now grey is good and that grey is working for us. baby steps remember and it's a patience learning experience. thanks for the support to you (and you know who YOU are. it means alot and if you really know me, you know how happy things really are and that your words of encouragement, understanding, and support mean alot.) for what it's worth, this is just a normal thing for me to do. my heck, i've never done things the normal or easy way!
like i said, i just wanted to put this out there. in no way does this alter or question the testimony that i have in being a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints and in no way do i feel condemned. the lord knows all, he sees the truth, and sees the intent of my heart. that is all that i really care about. the personal relationship that i have with the lord. enough said. and on that note, i'll end this post. ;)
xoxo