Time For Some Contemplation

I've been sick. Just the flu sick but still. The hate sick but my quiet room has allowed me some time to dig deep. Very deep.

It's fast how time flies. Really fast and especially when you are in a relationship, it seems to go that much faster. The excitement. The rush. The planning. The future. And then for me as the day came closer and closer? Reality and culture differences hit and I knew that it would be so hard. But then the second guesses come. And the buts and the what ifs. In fact. It's still the what ifs and the maybes and the and ifs......

It's always been easy for me to tell a friend who's in need that maybe therapy would help them out but in my past whenever I've seen someone, I always feel like questions are asked that almost make something into a problem that isn't one? Make sense? So this past year I decided to take the plunge again and start talking to someone and "barfing" all of my stuff out to someone. There have been so many questions and so many issues that have really confused me this past year. I needed to seek out someone, a third party someone, that I could talk to.

It's helps. So much! And these are not even big issues. Just little issues that are only my business and not close friends or family business. I leave feeling so refreshed and even when we talk about issues that I will never have the full understanding to right now.

It has also reconfirmed my testimony that there is a greater power at hand and has reminded me of an experience that I should know by heart since it was my very own.

"It's not your job to understand why. It's just your job to do"

So there it is. Will I understand why my marriage choice turned out differently than I thought it would? Will I understand why my little family has had some physical and mental challenges? Will I understand why a relationship did not work? Will I know why...why...why...why? NO. Not right now. I can learn things about myself that I can do to help certain situations but there will be things that I will never understand because I don't see the greater picture that is in store for me. I only see the now. So when I think about the things that I want to improve and work on for this new year, I know that I can only try and do the best that I possibly can and that I will, will, will make mistakes but that I will learn from them. The only thing that sucks is that looking back over the past 2 yrs, I have acted in ways that I wish I could take back. Acted in ways out of anger, pain, hurt, vengeance, pride...the list goes on but thank goodness that through my Lord I can ask and receive forgiveness. I can know that he is watching and that he is mindful and that he knows what I am capable of even when I or others don't.

So Yes. I have my own New Years resolutions that I will be working on. I can now look back at situations and though at the time, it was more painful than I can describe, I am so thankful that it worked out the way that it did and that it was for the best. I have so many things to be thankful for and I know that I will succeed...WILL achieve all that I put my heart and mind into. What that is yet I am not sure of but I will be positive and optimistic and know that things work out how they should.

True story. I was laying on my bed thinking about something that was still so confusing to me. 2 minutes later I received a phone call from the last person I expected to receive one from asking me a question about this one topic that I had just been thinking about. It was exactly what I needed to make me stop questioning. To know that things had worked out how it should have, nothing is ever perfect, and that I was so thankful to not be in that situation or to have to even question those issues.

More proof that it ALL works out how it should and yes...LOL...hind sight is 20/20 and I need to remember that!

Anyway. It's late so the bed and the sleep is calling so I will end my rambling but remember. We all have issues. No one and nothing is ever perfect even when we think it is. All we can worry about is our own situation and that the attitude makes all the difference in the world.

I'll end with another one of my personal quotes.

"It's ALL mental!" and boy is it ever!